In The Absence of Your Company.
In the absence of your company
there are two things that happen

the first:
I miss you terribly
as I remember the little things that you used to do
the way your hair was always perfect
except for those moments when it was a perfect mess
you hated it then but I loved the imperfection.

I loved you when you thought you were unlovable
I loved you when you were a ball of nerves, a wreck of insecurities
because I saw you then
the person you were trying to be and the person you really were
if you'd only let yourself be.

In those moments I wanted to just grab you by your delicate hip bones and pull you closer
to tell you that this was you, and you are beautiful
in spite of the bite marks on your knuckles and the bruises that covered your young heart.

I would have held you tight like a bandaid
I would have blanketed you in kisses to chase away the pain
I would have bandaged your bloodied stumps with my words
and caressed your amputated soul.

I would have made you smile so often
people would think it was tattooed on your face
because your smile was magik
the way it started at the corners of your mouth
and travelled up to your eyes
like waves breaking and crashing on the shore
you caused a tsunami in my heart
and I'll admit, I still feel you in my bones, like an aftershock once in a while.

I miss the way your eyes would wander to my mouth as you watched me speak
sometimes I got so self conscious wondering what you saw in me.

And remember that time you just had to feel me close to you
that you hugged me so tight and wouldn't let go
do you remember because I will never forget.

I asked what was wrong and you said you felt needy and just had to feel some skin on your skin
that was the easiest you ever loved me because all I had to do was stand there
maybe that was the most honest you ever loved me
or was that you giving me hints that you were slowly leaving
was that the long goodbye?

I guess I'll never know.
I bought into the promises born in your heart that died on your lips.

Remember the time you couldn't keep your hands off me
when words were an inadequate commodity
insufficient at conveying how we both felt about each other
it was more hands and touching than words and talking.

In the absence of your company
there are two things that happen

the second:
I hate you
I hate how you make me feel
like I wasn't good enough for you
and I hate that you made me believe I could have been.

When did it become so hard
when did wanting someone become such a chore
I was working my ass off trying to be worthy of you
and although love takes no prisoners
of all the people out there
I never thought it would be you

to drive that stake through my heart
and twist it just so I knew you meant it.

I hope you know your leaving has left tears like a junkies tread marks staining my cheeks
it would have been so easy to make me yours
in fact I guess I was
you had me wrapped around your fingers
around the poetry you wrote
I danced with every syllable and alphabet
twirling at your every whim and desire.

I'd have gone to hell for you if you asked me to
but I was never riding shotgun on your little adventure
it was more like me running 5 steps behind you
waiting for you to turn your head a little so I could catch a glimpse of your face
and when you did it felt as if the sun was shining on me
I didn't realise you were turning back for someone else.

I guess you cheated us both
the difference is that you didn't choose me
and a loser is a loser not matter who the competition is
in a court of Kings I was the arrogant Jester
and you choose your Queen among the royals.

Hidden under your shadow I was catching crumbs from your table
until you were no longer hungry
and I was left to starve.

In the absence of your company, a third thing happens:
I learn to be strong
I learn to survive
I learn to get along
and I'm getting along just fine
. . . well maybe not "just" fine but I'm getting along.

It doesn't mean my heart doesn't still skip a beat when I see your face
or that my stomach doesn't fill with butterfly's at the mention of your name
I still freeze for a moment, a deer caught in headlights.

But these days when I fall asleep it's no longer to the rhythm of a broken heart
I lit a fire and set our memory ablaze
in fact, there are times I go whole days without you traipsing all over the dying embers of us
kicking up memories and stirring up emotions.

And I may not be the same old me
but I'm not who I used to be
and in those twilight moments when you get lonely and want to revisit the memory of us
before you send me a text at 3 in the morning
why don't you flip your pillow over to the cooler side
and hold your friend tight
because that could've been us
but you chose someone else.

That Girl
We got that 'waiting in the clinic' silence. That shhh 'don't tell nobody what we did' silence and I'm so tired of being your hamper that I'm about to dump out those week old stained ketchup secrets and do laundry in that silence you like keeping. But my v----a is not your walk in closet. You wanna stuff your doubts through me? Wanna place to hang up your insecurities? Want me to keep check of your hand-me-downs and Prada? Waiting for every occassion to put me back behind closed doors and lock me in the darkness.

Nobody knows you hold my hand and nobody knows I call you baby and nobody knows you write anonymous poems about me. The type you can't post on Facebook. Because regardless of what you may think, I'm worth more than you deserve. I will never be that girl, the girl that's only allowed to make you smile when she´s making you orgasm, that girl whose day job is day-dreaming waiting for her night job. That girl who´s so in love she´ll turn her body over for your superficial touch. You hide me behind lock doors and bedsheets because if you dare reached out then everybody would still know that it was still about me. So that in your heart and in your mind you're still wrapped up in me.

My teardrops you own them, my heart says you got them tied around your pencils and figures. Yea, you may say it´s over and you may never tell me that you love me but you don't have to cause your silence speaks volumes. You wanna hold me in your arms rock me to sleep then act like you don't know me. As if the moments we spent together was some kind of down payment. As if my bedroom were lay away and that's all you ever do is layaway rolled up beside me but in the morning pull up the hoodie and run the other way. I'm like that bastard child the reason Daddy never stuck around in the first place but for me rejection doesn´t come every other weekend. It comes when you lower your head and pass by without speaking and I remember there was a time you could barely take your eyes off me.

I just don't understand why it's not okay for you to love me. I guess you just want me to be that girl. The girl everbody wants to sleep with but nobody wants to be with. That girl who's only good enouch for finding a suitable replacement. And not trying to make up for the mistake but you try to convince yourself that she means everything and you want nothing to do with me but come on baby she looks just like me. Read the signs or at least the facial features because I was your first, your only, the prototype and she´s just a duplicate and you can never make copies without first consulting the blueprint!

You know what they say "the sequel is never better than the original". And she tries to write you stories but they're only half as good, so half squinting you only hold her half as tight as you should. Cause your other half is tangled between my bedsheets, and your other half is complete within my mind, soul, and body, and your other half is french tonguing me Monday through Friday. I'm not fighting for joint custody. I'm fighting for RESPECT because I will never be content with being your back door hoe, your something on the side, your something to do on those lonely weekends, your closet freak. You will never produce me to be a skank and a whore that will love you. I'd rather spend every night crying alone on my bedroom floor than to ever be "that girl".

- Alysia Harris.

Nothing but Echoes
Somewhere between the euphoria
we carved our names in the bark of time
amongst the laughter and your warm breath on my neck
through the drunken haze of night
when you traced a finger down the curvy vein of a map
do you remember my careless and fumbling hands
we groped for something as abstract as love
to the rhythm of phantom beats
like drumming on the dashboard to our favourite songs
in unknown places, and make belief spaces.

Between taming the lust and the passion that simmered
you didn't mind when I kissed you on the lips
you said my mouth quivered
maybe it wasn't me who wanted too much
maybe it was you who just didn't try hard enough
you got me drunk
off a cocktail of maladjusted emotions, crossed wires and mixed signals
but let me tell you I never said I could fix your world
although there were times I wish I could have.

I hope she can fix you
    the way you never let me
ironically my heart still beats
    and sometimes, in the quiet of my dreams
its rhythm still spells out your name.

An Atonement
A peculiar feeling
like a strange spell
cast over me
and dominates me
it's a kiss like black magic
and a love like a divine light.

Such is the obsession
the minutiae of everyday life
or could you be a temptation
one much like an orgasm
coming and going without reason or want.

But the seduction exists
and in the end everything is clear
yet nothing remains
a subtext hidden in a satire of words
ever since Man walked in the Garden with the snake
when hearing your voice
sounds like friction against your skin
but the sentences you speak
sound unfamiliar, foreign and cold.

And love, what is this dagger
which stabs and hurts but does not hurt
a perfect marriage between madness and passion
with both arms tied and my heart bloodied in the corner
hallucinating promises
and straddling broken dreams.

The Occasional Boy
You don't believe in forever
So I guess it was only natural you turn leaving into an art
And you were so good at it, too
So good that I didn't even realise, that
the first moment you kissed me
you were already planning your goodbye
and what a goodbye it was
It began slowly, quietly as whispers often do
perhaps you really meant it as a promise
but your winter chill touched me and froze me to the bone
Innocently I mistook every gesture, every sigh
as truth
But you were just steadying me for that final moment
And after leading me up the cliff of euphoria
you simply blow me a kiss
and I am free falling
off the edge
No parachute or safety net to catch me
I tumble into the unknown
You're smiling that smile you always give
Like we had nothing at all
Your face serene

Maybe I should have seen it coming
When you stopped saying "I love you" back
Or did that became just another phrase to utter
when you felt there was nothing left to say?

Touch
Have you touched someone lately?
Have you really touched someone?
Remember their skin?
How did it feel?
The texture, the imperfections, the scars?
Have you ever touched someone with the purpose of remembering how they felt like?
Have you ever touched someone just to feel how sunlight felt like on their skin?
Have you ever placed your hand on someone pulse just to feel its rhythm?
Have you ever traced your finger along their veins?
Have you ever imagined the blood running through them volcanoes erupting red lava?
Have you counted someone's freckles and kissed every single one of them?
Have you memorised every single contour?
Have you ever touched someone because you knew someday you would not be able to again?
I have.